It’s not often I find myself in the position to register dissent via downloading a TV show, but times is funny. Tom “The Cruiser” Cruise does not want me to see the episode of South Park entitled “Trapped in the Closet”. Why? Is it because of what it says about Scientology? Because it implies that he is perhaps… a gayer? Well, you know, I had to find out.

Half an hour later, I can say a few things. One, Matt Stone and Trey Parker are now officially Fair Game, though this is rather a high-profile episode and it might be a bit obvious… Two, Tom Cruise is a robust and confident heterosexual. Three, Tom Cruise is not gay. Four, Xenu is cool. Five, Tom Cruise has never looked at a man’s arse in a sexual way, it would not cross his mind. Six, John Travolta actually comes out of this looking cool – after all, he was also in that closet with non-homosexual Tom Cruise and he did not get any part of the episode banned. Seven, I don’t know what is wrong with us that we are not allowed to watch what America has already seen but whatever it is, we’ll do our very best to make it right. Apart from anything else, we really enjoyed watching it on the internet.

I can tell you now that Flppy – who does not normally watch South Park – watched this episode with me. Thus the bannination of this show effectively doubled its ratings. In this house.