if you don’t watch Big Brother, stop reading now. I’m about to go on about all the finalists one by one and you won’t find it even faintly interesting. If you do watch it, you’ll find it dull too. But at least you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Glyn: I think I’m slightly out there on Glyn, but I hate him quite irrationally. I just see his eyes staring out from those beetling brows as he pronounces someone boring and posh because they have an English accent, or they refuse to let him play with their boobies, or they don’t like black pudding, or they may have once said that Wales isn’t the best place in the world ever and I find myself wanting to shake him by his shoulders until his supposed big brain rattles its way out of his gormless mouth. Of course, it’ll be closely followed by a torrent of Welsh, and cider-scented vomit. His recent pronouncement that he was "fooled" by Aisleyne’s breasts was quite marvellous. And I had high hopes for him in the early stages, too. Also, for a man so obsessed with Wales, he is surprisingly ignorant of its famous sons (I’m thinking of David Lloyd George specifically here). Could still win, but unlikely.
Jennie: She’s a bit nothing, isn’t she? I’ve tried to have a full opinion on Jennie, but I keep failing. She’s Scouse, I think that’s as far as I get before I’m distracted by a shiny object. She’s been very rude for no reason to various people (most recently Ais), but this isn’t really a personality, it’s just a way of passing the time in an obnoxious fashion. Might be a bit of a thickie. Has absolutely no chance of winning.
Nikki: Oh, Nikki. So much fun for so long, then she lost it and we booted her out. This gave her a chance to relax, refresh, take in her publicity, get a spin-off show sorted, watch every hour of footage she could then return to the house against the wishes of the general public. Since then she has been a lazy caricature of herself and a vicious, spiteful little Puck to Richard’s guffawing Oberon. Has been virtually inseparable from odds-on winner Pete since she returned. Amazing how the possibility of someone winning £100,000 will make them more attractive, isn’t it? Sorry, sorry. They Are For Real. Yeah, as real as Nikki’s tantrums since she returned. Not a hope of winning. We evicted her once – was that not clear?
Richard: He’s a dick, is our Richard. He’s actually been quite fun over the 13 weeks, a steady balance of self-help gobbledeook and high-camp diary room bitching justifying his longevity. But he is a bit nasty sometimes and you do wish he’d shut his trap every so often – his every word is not worth hanging on. Still. I wouldn’t mind too much if he won, to be honest. I’m not rooting for him, but I wouldn’t much care. His future-autobiography (saccharine though it was) actually made me realise that he was, you know, an outsider. Plunged into this house of British crazies, I hadn’t previously considered his nationality to be an issue – the Canadians are pretty much like us, right? But imagine if he was Dutch, or Swedish. We’d be going "Oh, god, poor Richard in with those weird British people!" I don’t know exactly what my point is here.
Pete: Eek. I said at the start that I liked Pete. I thought he didn’t deserve to be there, that he was a bit too nice, perhaps. Lucky I carried on watching! After the first couple of weeks of fun, there followed 8 weeks of moping, sulking and spineless capitulation to whoever was causing him to sulk or mope. Oh, and much homemade Gamelan. Then Nikki went back in! Hurrah! Pete came out of his shell! Oh, no wait.. He just attached his shell, limpet-like, to Nikki. So the last three weeks of the contest basically invovled the others doing stuff while Nikki and Pete indulged in face-sucking dullitude. Oh, but wait! What’s this? Pete’s had a vision? His dead friend came down from Heaven and told him he’d win Big Brother? What on odd thing for a dead person to make the trip down here to tell you. Still, now we know that if Pete wins Heaven still exists! Also, if you clap your hands hard enough then the fairies will all come back to life. The most shamelessly manipulative tactic ever seen on Big Brother. Terrifying. Still a lock to win, I fear, but I kind of hope not now.
Aisleyne: Poor old Aisleyne. Seems like everyone’s had it in for her from the moment she popped out of her box in week 2. Late arrivals never tend to fare too well, but when she refused to bow down to King Cock Sezer’s bullying (indirectly getting him kicked out in the process), it was maybe possible that she was a stayer. Her fighting spirit saw her outlive Grace, Lisa and Lea before she was given a fate worse than eviction – the House Next Door. This quite broke her spirit, and resulted in the return to the main house of a humbled, weepy Aisleyne who flinched at the very mention of the word "nomination". At first it looked like she’d be all right; she had her defenders (Imogen, the most wonderful follower a leader could have) and, in those days, Jennie both fought Ais’s corner. But that support has been whittled away and finally destroyed with the return of Nikki, who had taken in the anti-Ais bias of BB’s satellite shows and had her sighted as the enemy to be ruthlessly hounded (something which I can’t help but feel has been picked up by the twitchily-savvy housemates and turned them against her). Now on the final stretch, it’s just possible that Aisleyne could win it. Nailing my colours to the mast – as if you hadn’t guessed – I want her to do it. And remember, if she loses, A UNICORN WILL DIE.