I had a big ol’ fight with one of those evil bastard huge spiders this morning.  You know the ones I mean, the ones that grow HUGE and then scare the living daylights out of you as they scuttle madly across the living room – but only once, then they disappear, leaving you wondering where they might be…

I was just rinsing the draining board when I noticed something move by the plug.  Thinking it a regular house-spider, I pulled the chain of the plug and out it scampered.  There’s something about they way they move – purposeful, quite light, and extremely fast – which just makes my skin crawl in a way which a normal, regular spider just doesn’t.  Still, at least it wasn’t as big as they can get.  With this in mind, I grabbed the spider-evicting glass and approached my foe.

Damn his eight eyes, he was on the corner of the sink, not the easiest place to get to.  OK, so I needed a new tactic.  Not taking my eyes off him, I part-filled the glass and sluiced him with water.  Because, as you know, spiders hate that.  It doesn’t seem to do them any harm, but they do curl up in defensive balls, which are much easier to entrap.  Not this one, though.  Hard bastard that he was, he just rode the wave down into the sink.

This, I feel, was him taunting me.  Well, not today, my friend!  I was going to be late for work if I didn’t sort it out soon.  So while he was temporarily discombobulated in the sink I lunged with my spider-glass and, by some amazing stroke of fortune (because I was only half-looking), I got him.  Hah!  We’ll see who’s several orders of magnitude larger than who now!  Or is it whom?  Anyone who can tell me when to use "whom", please get in touch.

Anyway, this ends with him being dumped outside and me getting on the bus to work.  I hope to have more exciting news soon (eg. "Ooh, I bought an umbrella that automatically retracts!"), but that’s it for now!  See you later. xx