I was asked if I knew anything about Whitstable. I do not, but a challenge is a challenge, and here are some definitely 100% TRUE FACTS about a town I’ve never thought about.
For a start, I’m going to assume it’s in Dorset, as it sounds like it should be. It has a small shopping mall which no-one likes but everyone visits. In this mall there is a Boot’s, a Footlocker, a chinese herbal remedy shop, a pound shop, Game, Millie’s Cookies, WH Smiths and a small independent bookshop which deals exclusively in first editions of the great occult works.
There is a large Allied Carpets on the edge of town, next to a Tesco with a belltower, which is only used during gas leaks or when the Great Beast of Whitstable is loose again, devouring shoppers and generally being a bit of a nuisance.
Only five people called "George" have ever lived in Whitstable, but they never met. People still talk about "The Georges", and it’s a captial offence in Whitstable to name your child George because it would get dead confusing, like.
On May Eve every year, a man dressed as a pantomime horse parades through the streets of Whitstable, beating a drum and making small children run through his legs to bring their household good fortune. This is thought to be an old tradition, but in fact the man with the horse costume made it up in the sixties.
There is one hotel in Whitstable, The Hun’s Repose, which became famous in the 1740s as a meeting-place for witches and demons. Even now, it’s impossible to get a decent beer because a witch cursed the barrels after the landlord refused to start a tab for her. How a pub which sells notoriously poor-quality beer maintains its status in a small town is unknown, but it’s thought that the seats are very comfy.
When visiting Whitstable, keep your valuables in a large wooden trunk and display them only when questioned by the landlord of The Hun’s Repose if you can afford a room for the night. Do not wear a cap, hat, crown, headscarf or tiara when visiting Whitstable as the locals regard hair as lucky.
Whitstable was flooded in the 1970s when the river Whit was dammed, but the residents don’t let that sort of thing get them down. SCUBA gear is available for visitors in the nearby town of Hindbury.