I have taken great pains to be exact in my report. However, said report is on my desk and here we are far from my desk. Well. This is the best I can do for you from memory and from some notes made on my phone when I didn’t have a pen and paper to hand.

My experiments have led us nearly nowhere, I’m afraid. Your funding has been a waste. I don’t have the results to show you, but it doesn’t matter because there are no real results. Now, please, don’t tell me that even a lack of evidence is evidence of something. This isn’t even that useful. For example here, I have this note:

Oct 14. Box opened after 12 minutes. Cat alive.
Nov 9: Box opened after 30 minutes. Cat dead.
Nov 27: Box opened after 10 minutes. Cat alive, licking self.
Dec 1: Box opened after 2 hours. Cat dead.

All we are doing is killing cats. This isn’t a real experiment, and I am not sure what anyone hopes to achieve through this. The nonsense about quantum divergent realities in the proposal documents was, I assure you, not my doing but I accept that I have full responsibility for the errors made in this project. The results say little more than flipping a coin would.

This report, however, that I have found in my briefcase, tells a different story. I… I don’t recall writing this one.