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A little late.

A little late.

It had been a good Halloween, and a long one.  I had carved a pumpkin classical style, a grinning mouth and a triangular nose – and set it out on the front step to indicate to the neighbourhood kids that, yes, trick or treating was welcome here.  And had they ever taken up that invitation!  I had bought a half-dozen bags of assorted sweets and still I was looking in danger of running out before the end of the rush.  In theory I could raid the fruit bowl, but who wants to be the one handing out apples?  Not I.  No, its tooth-rotting crap or nothing, I am a man of principle.

I was just pondering a run to the corner shop for a bag of whatever they had in ooh, barley sugars when the torrent just stopped.  A lone boy in his early teens wearing a Scream mask and a blue tracksuit was to be my final visitor.  He was unmoved by my offering of a couple of Black Jacks, a mini Mars bar and a lolly, taking the chocolate without comment and disappearing into the night before I could wish him a happy Halloween.

Thats it, I thought as he left. No more.  Late now.  Kids all in bed.  Time to relax.  I blew out the candle in my pumpkin, dimmed the lights of my living room and switched on the TV, hoping for something relatively spooky to keep the mood of Halloween going. Stalwart copyright-free zombie flick Night of the Living Dead was tempting me on one of the cheaper satellite channels, but I instead ended up watching a biography of Aleister Crowley.

Exhausted, I dozed sporadically before succumbing to sleep before the programme had finished.  In this state, I had an extraordinarily vivid dream.

I was walking along a country lane at night, the trees forming a canopy above my head allowing brief glimpses of the moon.  It was a thin, sharp crescent but its light was strong, cold and silver on the road ahead of me.  Glancing up to see if there were any stars visible, I was surprised to hear footsteps on the road ahead of me.  There had been no-one there a moment before.  There was a hollowness to the footsteps and a clicking which put me in mind of horses.  I peered down the tunnel of trees and saw a figure walking toward me.  It was tall, and moved with an easy grace.

I could not see the figures face, even though the moonlight shone directly on it. Despite it being, at first glance, some distance away, the figure loomed over me.  I swayed backwards, alarmed, as it reached out a pale hand and went to take my shoulder I still could not make out a face.  I pulled away from it, and it reached out again.  The hand looked waxen, unmoving, and I did not want it to touch me.  It was as if it was a false hand, thrust from the folds of the figures voluminous sleeve in an attempt to appear more human.

I took several paces back, keeping my gaze fixed on the figure in front of me, not wanting to give it an opportunity to gain even more ground on me.  It remained motionless as I backed away.  When I felt sufficiently distant, I glanced to my side to see if there was any way out of the tunnel of trees I had walked down.  Without any sense of surprise, I noticed a road at right angles to the one I was on.  It had not been there moments before, but in a dream nothing follows neatly and logically so it seemed quite natural that there was a new road there.  What did strike me as odd was the face at the bottom of the nearest tree.  A crooked smile, illuminated from within.  It was the pumpkin I had carved and set out by my lawn.

I heard the hollow clatter of the creatures footsteps, and looked back to see it almost upon me again.  This time its hand was stretched out palm up, as if begging.  I felt that it wanted me to give it something, anything, and maybe that would make it leave me alone.  Its arm stretched towards me, the waxen hand glistening in the moonlight.  Again I felt the shiver of revulsion at the pallid mockery of a limb closing in on me.  I took another step back, but found I had been pushed against the trunk of one of the trees at the crossroad.  The pumpkin leered up at me from the opposite corner, its cartoon of a face clearer and more lifelike than that of the figure now taking the step which would bring it into contact with me.

I awoke with a start, back on my sofa with the TV on.  A loud knock at the door had brought me back from my dream.  I looked at my watch 11:50pm. Still Halloween, but far too late for trick or treat.  The knock came again.  I made up my mind not to answer.  I was nearly out of treats, and still a little shaken from the dream.  Id blown out the candle in the pumpkin, what clearer signal could I give?  Was I going to have to hide behind my sofa until the trick or treaters went away?

The knock came again, more powerfully, hammering the knocker against the door and rattling the letterbox.  I leapt to my feet and stood, rigid, staring through my living room doorway at front door.  Through the two panes of rippled glass set either side of the central strut, I could see a tall, white figure.  A costume, I didnt doubt, but the memory of my dream chilled me at the sight of it.  It raised its hand to knock again, but instead of the thunderous knocking which had brought me to my feet, this time it merely tapped the glass, gently, with its hand.  There was a softness to the tap which made me shudder involuntarily.

The person at the door leaned sideways, to look into the house through the warped glass.  Seeing this, I dived back down onto the sofa, hiding myself behind the cushions.  I tried to convince myself that this was simply because I did not want to have to answer the door to this absurdly late trick or treater, but I knew that I was simply terrified that the faceless creature from my dream was now standing at my threshold.

To my horror, I then heard the sound of the letterbox being slowly lifted.  No doubt the thing at the door was now peering directly into my house.  I have never felt so vulnerable as that moment, flat on my sofa, listening to the creaking of a small panel of metal shifting on its hinges.  So vulnerable, and so absurd.  It was just a teenager, I knew that, a teenager in a sheet looking for chocolate.  But I dared not move, I didnt even want to breathe. It seemed that I was sitting there for hours.  It could only have been a minute or so, though, and at the end of it the letterbox closed with a snap.  Something in the atmosphere changed, and I felt somehow less afraid to stand and look at my door.

There was no-one there.  I swallowed, and walked out from behind the sofa.  Not feeling quite up to opening the door, I decided to check on the status of my front lawn from upstairs.  I looked down from my bedroom window and was relieved to see that there was no-one at the door, no-one even in the vicinity.  I checked down the road.  Might there have been a dull shine of white at the very edge of the streetlights illumination?  A second look dispelled the illusion.  The street was empty.

At this point, I noticed something unusual.  There was a light on my front lawn.  A cheery orange flicker, spilling weakly from the space near my front door.  The pumpkin was lit again.  Why that should be I couldnt quite think, I had definitely blown out the candle.  Regardless, I was not about to go out there to extinguish it again and for some reason I felt happier that the pumpkin was lit.  It was like I had a guardian.  With this thought in mind, I closed the curtains and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke from a dreamless sleep was it dreamless?  I had a faint memory of a man clothed in a white robe standing in my front lawn, hand outstretched to the window and went downstairs to clear the house up as I had left everything as it was in my haste to get upstairs and look out of the window.

Things seemed perfectly normal.  I went to the front door to examine for.. what, exactly?  A scrape of wax on the letterbox?  Fingerprints on the glass?  There was nothing to be seen.  I opened the door and checked the pumpkin.  Its little nightlight had burned out long since, the inside of its cut-off cap scorched with the heat.  I picked it up and was taking it over to the compost recycling bin when I noticed my lawn.

It was criss-crossed with the footprints of dozens of children and their parents from the night before, but what caught my attention was the final set of tracks, the deepest set, the ones which were pressed over all the others.  They were small, sharp hoof-prints, and they only went towards my door.  There was no set of these prints leading away.

pumpkin soup.

pumpkin soup.

Halloween is here again.  Hurrah!  The best reason to buy pumpkins, ever.  I used to hate trick or treat, now I love it.  We get troops of lovely, polite little kids in fancy dress who marvel at the carved lanterns (if I manage to do that this year) and get all goggle-eyed at the big bowl of proffered sweets (while their parents hang back, murmuring Dont take too many).

I know I promised a ghost story this time last year, or maybe at Christmas, but I never managed to follow through, did I?  Well, Im scribbling away at it again, maybe Illl have it for this Christmas.  A lot of work for a short story which probably wont be that good.  But youve got to keep your hand in, havent you?

Wow, Ive been on Blogger since December 2000!  Thats nine years, almost.  I should throw a party come December.

i hate answerphones

i hate answerphones

Why do they exist?  They exist to make us say stupid things, like I was just leaving my contact details and I gave my postcode.  Why?  It only requires a phone number!!  Plus I think I say er more times when confronted with an answerphone than, well, anyone ever says it ever.  Ever.

Nearly Halloween.  I have once again downloaded a selection of ghost stories for listening to on the bus to and from work.  Im making it into a tradition.  Third year in a row.  Last year I classed proceedings up considerably with an all-MR James collection read by Derek Jacobi.  You cant beat The James for ghost stories, you really cant.  After his stuff, everything else seems a bit workmanlike.  Although, surprisingly, Dickens is pretty good.  The Signalman comes close to James for atmosphere and slow creep.

Anyway.  Wow, baby is making progress.  She loves being pulled to her feet, clinging onto our fingers with her tiny pudgy hands.  She sometimes seems to enjoy tummy time.  She was munching on her foot last night.  She laughs freely.  Oh, and did I mention the tooth?  Oh, yes, first tooth, coming through!

Last couple of nights, coming home has been so wonderful.  Im presented with a charming, happy, active, baby.  Warm and snuggly, theres no, honestly, no better feeling than having her plonked in my arms and then wandering about, chatting to her as she babbles and coos.  I want to eat her.

All very nauseating, but its the payoff for being woken at 4am by a whine from the cradle.  Actually, no, the payoff for that is the sleepy, muzzy little bundle sucking happily on her milk as you sit in the dark with her, half-asleep.  Even the crappy stuff is good.  Even when shes being a nightmare, when shes screaming blue murder at top volume into your ear, its great.  Because shes there, and thats kind of enough.

deleted thoughts

deleted thoughts This is last weeks swallowed supplemental update: <<The baby is fine. Shes going through a tricky week, but shes learning stuff all the time. And shes beautiful, just really knockout lovely. Its like 4am and I want to die but she smiles up at me and throws her arms out& I cant resist a cuddle, though I have to couch it strictly in terms of soothing her to sleep so she doesnt think woo hoo! Playtime at 4 oclock! Time to wake up!. Her hair got a bit worn away at the back from lying down all the time (no I dont really understand either), but its growing back and its growing back the same gorgeous coppery colour as before. Phew. She really is a redhead!>> This week, shes a little less tricky, but still exhausting. Laughing more, though, and really seems to have developed some skillz. Shell be rolling over by the end of the weekend, you watch. Supplemental to the hair thing, I notice that she and I have thinning patches in the same places. Hmm. Its been mental at work, so Ive little to say. This week I played about 35 minutes of GTA IV. I have almost finished that Dracula book (though I may actually go mad if they refer to Whitby Abbey as Carfax one more time). I am starting to research what phone I might want come upgrade time. Any thoughts?

I hope everything was all right.

I hope everything was all right.

Well, we ditched the baby (Ditched!  We left the baby in the capable hands of her maternal grandmother) and headed all the way to the southern tip of the Victoria Line in order to watch The Pixies one of the best bands in the world perform, from start to finish, Doolittle one of the best albums in the world.

This is a little like being offered the opportunity to hear Jesus doing some of his greatest parables live.  Only better, because The Pixies are real and not a sort of amalgam of various chancers hanging around Roman-occupied Judea claiming to be the Messiah.  Well, enough blasphemy (Its only blasphemous if you believe it all anyway), what about the gig?

Man alive, they can make some noise.  But its not just noise-noise.  Its the songs.  The songs I love so much, there they were, top volume, slightly raw but note and pitch perfect.  Everyone in that band can play/sing the shit out of those songs and they gave us a beautiful rendition of the album (and some B-sides which no-one knew except proper nerds), seemingly without even trying.

Sure, youd probably get Wave of Mutilation, Monkey Gone to Heaven (I fucked my voice yelling THEN GOD IS SEVEN!) and Debaser at any Pixies gig.  But would you get Mr Grieves?  There Goes My Gun?   Dead?  I Bleed?  Not that it matters, theyre all great (although I felt a pang of disappointment that Silver comes after Hey, such an anticlimax to the album.  Turns out Id forgotten Gouge Away (how??), so that buoyed me up to keep clapping for the encore).

Oh, yes, encores.  More B-sides, but good ones.  Wave of Mutilation UK Surf, Into The White ending with the a white-out on stage which cloaked the band, clearing to reveal an empty stage.  A good end, but not good enough for the Pixies, who strolled back out a second time and, with Kim acknowledging Were not supposed to be playing these!, took the roof off with Bone Machine, U-Mass and Gigantic.  A crowd large enough to fill the Brixton Academy to bursting point chanting A BIG BIG LOVE! was practically a religious experience for me.  I hope the band enjoyed it a little too.

daednu alucarD

There is an official sequel to Dracula knocking around bookshops right now. I implore you to read it, its something else. To say it is shoddy is an insult to shoes. Within the first few pages, there is a glaring factual error concerning the original book Carfax Abbey, Dacre Stoker, is not in Whitby. It is in Essex. You dunderheaded clot.

It gets better from there, of course. Abandoning Stokers epistolary format and instead giving us a poorly-written third-person narration, mired in perpetual cliche, it picks up about 25 years after the plot of the original. Quincey Harker is the dull, dull, protagonist, far as I can tell so far*. Jack Seward is there as a morphine-addicted vampire hunter, Gods madman as he hilariously self-defines at one point, just after hes done some swashbuckling rope-swinging and vampire-fighting. This is a man in his fifties, mind, strung out on the old horse. Jack cuts something of a Zelig-like figure, having worked with Darwin, flown in the same plane which first crossed the English channel and been there at the Wright Brothers first demonstration of flight in Europe. One wonders what other late Victorian/Edwardian notables he has knocked around with. Jonathan Harker is a whoring old drunkard. It looks like Van Helsing is a suspect in the Ripper murders. Oh, and the big villain so far is soft-focus lesbian vampire Elizabeth Bathory.

Seriously, this is brilliant.

*Im barely a quarter of the way through, Im expecting it to turn into Tolstoy any minute.

Busy ness

Busy ness

Im really busy!  But in a good way.  At work, like.  Not in a swamped way, either, just with a good healthy to-do list that I can work through in a methodical manner.  Which I must do work through in a methodical manner.  No scattergun approach this time, no sir.

Baby news!  This week she laughed.  Not, technically, the first time, but the first time I have heard her.  A beautiful bubbling sort of chuckle.  Her mother and I may have cried a bit, between ecstatic exclamations.  She also went to my office and was cooed over by all and sundry, but it was too much and she didnt sleep for over seven hours that day.  Seven hours! Trust me if you have no frame of reference that is a lot.

unseasonable!

unseasonable!

Look at that, its sunny outside!  Thats well, its annoying because I have a coat as well as a jumper today.

Jumper.

Heh.

That makes me sound about eight.  Jumper.  Pullover.  No, theres simply no grown-up word for it.  Sweater.  Nooo.  Top.  Top is lame and boring, and what you call an item of apparel for which you have no other word.  Well, one that you wear on your torso, anyway.

I watched my daughter roll from her front to her back on Wednesday.  That made my week, that did.  A first!  And I witnessed it.  Distressing thought her first word will probably be to a nursery staff member.  Frowny face!  Must make a deal with them so they dont tell us even if it does happen, so itll seem like we heard the first word.  Thatll work, right?

My daughter likes trees

My daughter likes trees

Okay, so shes 15 weeks old so theres not a lot of actual evidence for this claim, but she does watch them until they are out of sight when out in her buggy (a bugaboo bee, buggy-fans, I cant recommend it enough).  Also she will quiet down when presented with a gently swaying mass of leaves.  Im hoping this will continue and be a thing.  Like Oh, yeah, she really loves trees.  Thats cute in a toddler.  Ok, maybe not in a grown-up.

That time already?

That time already?

Is it really only a week since I did that BB update?  Gosh, seems like ages ago.  How fast the summer recedes.  How Ill know its summer if no-one picks up BB for 2011, I have no idea.

E has a cold.  Her first illness!  Shes not suffering too badly, bit of a snuffly nose.  The odd sneeze. The biggest problem is that she cant breathe when placed on her back, which means she cant sleep!  No sleep for little baby.  Therefore, no sleep for mummy and daddy. Except that she slept for about 10 hours last night, but thats thanks to the magical power of Olbas Oil and a well-positioned crib.  But the night before, before her very clever mummy worked out the problem, was a dreadful night!  I was standing in the middle of the room, holding her against my chest, in the dark, at 4:30am, thinking This is it, this is how I am going to have to say for the rest of the night!.

Madness.  I forget how I solved that.  Maybe Im still there.