my arachnoid nemesis

my arachnoid nemesis

I had a big ol’ fight with one of those evil bastard huge spiders this morning.  You know the ones I mean, the ones that grow HUGE and then scare the living daylights out of you as they scuttle madly across the living room – but only once, then they disappear, leaving you wondering where they might be…

I was just rinsing the draining board when I noticed something move by the plug.  Thinking it a regular house-spider, I pulled the chain of the plug and out it scampered.  There’s something about they way they move – purposeful, quite light, and extremely fast – which just makes my skin crawl in a way which a normal, regular spider just doesn’t.  Still, at least it wasn’t as big as they can get.  With this in mind, I grabbed the spider-evicting glass and approached my foe.

Damn his eight eyes, he was on the corner of the sink, not the easiest place to get to.  OK, so I needed a new tactic.  Not taking my eyes off him, I part-filled the glass and sluiced him with water.  Because, as you know, spiders hate that.  It doesn’t seem to do them any harm, but they do curl up in defensive balls, which are much easier to entrap.  Not this one, though.  Hard bastard that he was, he just rode the wave down into the sink.

This, I feel, was him taunting me.  Well, not today, my friend!  I was going to be late for work if I didn’t sort it out soon.  So while he was temporarily discombobulated in the sink I lunged with my spider-glass and, by some amazing stroke of fortune (because I was only half-looking), I got him.  Hah!  We’ll see who’s several orders of magnitude larger than who now!  Or is it whom?  Anyone who can tell me when to use "whom", please get in touch.

Anyway, this ends with him being dumped outside and me getting on the bus to work.  I hope to have more exciting news soon (eg. "Ooh, I bought an umbrella that automatically retracts!"), but that’s it for now!  See you later. xx

Minibreak.

Minibreak.

Sorry, been ages.  Been on holiday.  Been to Norwich – it was our first anniversary, so we pretty much looked at places we haven’t been to and went to one.

So what’s Norwich like?  Well, it’s very pretty, as it happens*.  Small, but that’s half a decade in London for you.  All places that aren’t London seem these days.  I’m just kidding; I’m sure Tokyo is a perfectly reasonable size.  Anyway, yeah.  We walked, we rode open-topped buses like SHAMELESS TOURISTS, we took boat tours of the Broads, it was great.

We had a lovely hotel room, though I’m not sure about no shower curtain and parquet floor.  Well, feh, we don’t have to live with their damp-proofing.  We actually felt a bit constrained by our proposed three-night stay and ended up there for four nights, which was lovely and oddly made the holiday 50% more relaxed for a simple 33% increase in time, or something.  I’m not sure about the maths, someone else work it out.

So that was our first anniversary.  Or, to look at it another way, our sixth.  We’re over half way to ten years!  You know, I think we might just be right for each other…

*Though, true to stereotype, at times the denizens made you feel a bit like you were wandering through the set of David Lynch’s new adaptation of Shadow Over Innsmouth.

4th place is not a fancy term for losing

4th place is not a fancy term for losing

Well, all things considered, the Olympics went very well for Britain – or “Team GB” as we inexplicably seem to be calling our collected athletes – and we managed to valiantly fend off the twin challenges of Germany and Australia (the latter, oddly, being the more satisfying win since the Aussies can’t quite believe it). We held out against the Russians until right near the end, too. I suppose being a monolitic superpower helps at the Olympics – China, USA, Russia. Hmm, what a startling top three. Still, 4th place is HUGE (and we were in THIRD for A REALLY LONG TIME which totally COUNTS), and better than we’ve done in decades.

There’s a thing outside Tate Modern – it’ll be gone soon – which is sponsored bumf from Adidas. We went down there a few weeks ago, before the Olympics, and there’s this map. Sort of, not a map really. The absence of a map. It has dots and then people’s names, and it’s Team GB and where they come from. The dots give you a pretty good idea of the shape of Britain. It’s quite cool, really. Anyway, we sort of looked at it and we went “Oh, look, right up at the top there’s… Chris Hoy on his own. Ha ha, poor old Chris Hoy. Wonder who he is?”

Went back there yesterday, and it was like “Oh, there’s Chris Hoy.. and Tom Daley down in the West Country (though where’s Pete Waterfield, eh?).. and Shanaze Reade* in Crewe, and Christine Ohuruogu and… hey, where’s Rebecca Adlington?” Suddenly these people are household names. And rightly so. I’m usually fairly ambivalent about national sporting success, and sport in general is not my thing at all, but I’ve really enjoyed the Olympics in Beijing and have felt quite excited and proud by our national achievements. Yes, they have my approval and I’m sure their lives are enriched by that.

*yeah, she didn’t win, but watching BMX because she was in it has shown me that BMX racing ROCKS.

Titles are for chumps.

I forgot to post from work! Nuts, now I’m posting from my phone. I’ll easily lose track. A sentence may start one way and end with a complete set of original 1930s footstools designed by… Wait, where was I?

Not this week

Not this week

I keep thinking "What’s the harm if I take a week off blogging?"  Well, nothing in the real world.  But I quite like doing this, it gives me something to try to think about, and I know if I let myself off one time… well, slippery slope to abandonment.

This email, writing it out, almost feels like work.  Yes, I blog by email.  That’s why I never format it, or put links in.  A picture, like the one a few weeks ago, is EFFORT and TIME.

This is my life: I lost my umbrella.  The next day it pisses with rain.

That makes me sound a bit pessimistic.  I’m not, actually.  I’m rather an optimist, and I just keep looking around on my bus into work, hoping that this will be the one that I left it on and it’ll still be there, wedged down the side of a seat.  Not seen it yet, but here’s hoping!

I’d like to mention that the exact circumstance which I anticipated when I said I wouldn’t comment on Big Brother when it was fresh has come to pass.  I reckon my early post would have said that Rex was great and I liked him.  Hooboy, imagine that!  I wouldn’t have used the words "Pointy-headed bellend" at any point!  Madness and folly.

Here endeth the lesson.

and whose army?

and whose army?

The spiders are back, back, back!  I’m starting to wonder where they come from.  I mean, I evicted one from the ceiling above the shower with the ol’ cup and card before I got in.  Halfway through washing my hair I look up and there’s another one which was, I swear, nowhere to be seen scant moments before.  To my surprise I just sort of shrugged and got on with my shower, but really this is too much.  I had to get rid of four before showering the other day.  They’re taking the piss.

And the ripping sounds every time you open the door!  If we didn’t open it fairly regularly we’d be trapped in – untended, the hallway would be Shelob’s lair.  I’m happy to report, however, that the front of the house is being painted in the next few weeks so their days are numbered.  A hard rain is going to fall, Incey-Wincey.  A hard rain of brushing.

Facts about Whitstable

Facts about Whitstable

I was asked if I knew anything about Whitstable.  I do not, but a challenge is a challenge, and here are some definitely 100% TRUE FACTS about a town I’ve never thought about.

For a start, I’m going to assume it’s in Dorset, as it sounds like it should be.  It has a small shopping mall which no-one likes but everyone visits.  In this mall there is a Boot’s, a Footlocker, a chinese herbal remedy shop, a pound shop, Game, Millie’s Cookies, WH Smiths and a small independent bookshop which deals exclusively in first editions of the great occult works.

There is a large Allied Carpets on the edge of town, next to a Tesco with a belltower, which is only used during gas leaks or when the Great Beast of Whitstable is loose again, devouring shoppers and generally being a bit of a nuisance.

 
Only five people called "George" have ever lived in Whitstable, but they never met.  People still talk about "The Georges", and it’s a captial offence in Whitstable to name your child George because it would get dead confusing, like.

 
On May Eve every year, a man dressed as a pantomime horse parades through the streets of Whitstable, beating a drum and making small children run through his legs to bring their household good fortune.  This is thought to be an old tradition, but in fact the man with the horse costume made it up in the sixties.

 
There is one hotel in Whitstable, The Hun’s Repose, which became famous in the 1740s as a meeting-place for witches and demons.  Even now, it’s impossible to get a decent beer because a witch cursed the barrels after the landlord refused to start a tab for her.  How a pub which sells notoriously poor-quality beer maintains its status in a small town is unknown, but it’s thought that the seats are very comfy.

 
When visiting Whitstable, keep your valuables in a large wooden trunk and display them only when questioned by the landlord of The Hun’s Repose if you can afford a room for the night.  Do not wear a cap, hat, crown, headscarf or tiara when visiting Whitstable as the locals regard hair as lucky.

 
Whitstable was flooded in the 1970s when the river Whit was dammed, but the residents don’t let that sort of thing get them down.  SCUBA gear is available for visitors in the nearby town of Hindbury.

Heatwave

Heatwave

It’s been hot, hasn’t it?  I’m glad to see cloud over London today, but I can’t say that I’m convinced it’s not going to be the kind of cloud which keeps the heat in.  Once I step out of the aircon I wonder if I’ll melt like the Nazis at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Oh, speaking of which, I sent Lego Indy back to LoveFilm after completing it 100% totally.  I rock Lego Indiana Jones.  Don’t say I don’t, because I do.  Anyway, my replacement arrived.  You know how sometimes you put games on for a laugh?  Yeah, well, now I have My Horse and Me at home.  It’s rock hard!  I mean, the grooming bit is easy.  The bit where you choose your jodhpurs is a breeze.  But riding the horse?  Major hard.  The remote and nunchuk act at reins, and they’re not forgiving.  I spent most of my playing time with my horse in reverse, which is clearly all wrong.

Sorry, I’ve been ill.

Sorry, I’ve been ill.

We’re well over the halfway mark for 2008 now, which can mean only one thing – we’ll soon be talking about "Best of 2008" lists.  By the time we reach December we’ll all be thoroughly sick of them and will be quite happy to see 2009’s stupid, ugly face leering at us from New Year’s Day.

So what has 2008 done for us so far?  Well, we’ve had… um, some stuff… happen… like, there was a picture in the paper and they’ve arrested Dumbledore in Serbia, or Latveria or someplace.  And in Celebrity Not-Guilty-of-Child-Abuse news, R Kelly totally did not do the thing he was videotaped doing.  Videotaped by HIM, or at least, not him.  Some guy that may have been an R Kelly lookalike or something.  And some dude got stabbed!  I mean, probably a few did, but it’s been, like, woah, knives and shit. 

So yeah, that’s 2008.  Pretty crazy year, eh?